My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
