my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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