dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
