I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
