don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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