U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Someone signed my nipple.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
