just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
