dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
