I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
dude i'm inner monologue high
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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