apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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