i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
