Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
