I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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