DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
