I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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