Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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