Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
