note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
