She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
