if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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