the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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