Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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