Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
