I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
