Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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