I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
