You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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