I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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