I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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