Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
