Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
