My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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