I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
