I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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