haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
