My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
my shit smells like andre
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
