Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
