Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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