proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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