I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
