I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
