I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
