Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
