The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
