somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
