Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
