Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
