the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
