im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
