Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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